Profound loss...I don't know any other way to describe this other than an unfathomable loss of someone so vital to your soul, a person that defines who you are. Such as the loss of a child to a parent or the loss of a parent to a child, and also the loss of your partner in life. When you experience a profound loss, it changes you, permanently. You are never going to be that person you were before the loss. That is not to say that life will not be wonderful or that you will not experience joy, because you will. It will just be seen through a different set of eyes and felt with a more exposed heart.
My dad died when I was nine, he took his own life, and it has haunted me ever since. It has been my biggest burden and somehow my greatest gift. It has made me a more compassionate person and a stronger person. I not only see the world, I feel the world. My husband often laughs at me because I will cry during movies, I mean I am a girl and we tend to do this anyway, but I cry because I can empathize with the pain and the sorrow. Losing my father has created a raw spot in me, one that allows me to feel in a way that most may not understand.
I tell you all this to get to my point of this post and that it was inspired by the movie I just watched. It's called 'the way'. It may not be a movie for everyone, some may be bored by it or scoff because it's predictable. The movie is predictable, from the very beginning you know where it is going to end, but that's not the point, the point is the journey it takes you on. It's not a flashy movie nor is it action packed, it is a simple beautiful story and it is enough, more than enough. The way is a tale of a father on a journey, one that was started by his son, and after his son's passing he decides to finish it for him. This movie spoke to me in a way that is difficult for me to adequately put into words. It made me sad and also hopeful. It shows you human suffering but also the beauty of the human experience. I watched and the wanderlust within me screamed to make this trek, to take this journey. But I realized that we are all on a journey and whether that means exploring foreign lands or simply experiencing life with those around us, the ability to grow and learn is there everyday, even when standing still.
It is an obvious statement to say that I hate death, I hate that it takes some too soon and I hate that it convinces others that it is a better solution than living. But if you are reading this, then you are alive, which means you have the ability to live. If we look outside of our small circles and we open ourselves up to new experiences and new people, there's a life out there. Again, it's not necessary to travel around the world, although I would jump right on that, but to get outside of your comfort zone at home...try that new restaurant that has strange food or take a class at the gym that would normally intimidate you. There are experiences and people waiting for you, waiting to show you something, to help you grow and live. Why do we settle into these mundane routines that help us to feel comfortable but not extraordinary, why do we choose mediocrity? Why are we so afraid of being vulnerable, of opening ourselves up to criticism? Who the hell cares! There are some that live on a different level, they live life on their terms, they believe that they are awesome and they are.
I have suffered profound loss in my life and I wish I could say that that has been my only loss, but this is life and life is suffering. But life is also amazing and beautiful and breathtaking. We all have the potential to be awesome and it has nothing to do with the amount of money we have or the number of accolades we've received. Awesomeness is when your wants and your actions line up. When you think I would like to wear hot pink spandex pants today, but that little voice inside your head says 'no that would be foolish', and you decide that you are gonna rock those damn hot pink pants anyway! :) Here's to awesomeness, here's to living...
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